I want to stick my p in your. b.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
