I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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