Im at strip club and am horny
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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