Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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