I'm going to jail i love you
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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