sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
