why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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