I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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