you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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