Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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