Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
