this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
