So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
