Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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