I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
