Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
