From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
