I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
