oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
