Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
