i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
