What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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