R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
