Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
