He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
