I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
