he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
