he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
