you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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