The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
