She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
