My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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