dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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