just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
But theres a keg here and me gusta
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
