worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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