i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
