I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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