the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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