there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
