Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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