I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
