I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
