Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
