Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
