were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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