Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Can you bring me the toilet please
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
