I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
