someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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