she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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