I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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