my being single is dangerous.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
