i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
