I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
