i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
