she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
