you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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