We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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