I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
