i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
i now understand why vodka
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
