If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
