2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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