You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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