I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
