I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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