His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
