I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
