Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
