After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
