someone threw a dead crab at me
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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