All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
