I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
