your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
