we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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