i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize