Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
you traded sex for a burrito?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize